My darling boy, today you turned five. I can’t believe it. Literally. I feel like I need to pinch myself. Look at you, every inch of your amazingness, determination and lust for life. You are wonderful. I’m so proud of you. Keep reaching for the stars, keep doing you.
FIVE YEARS OLD!
We never imagined this far, we never allowed our dreams to travel into the future. So, for that reason, I never had an expectation of what it would look like or how it would feel. I’m guessing that’s what makes it so wonderful.
Just to rewind a little.
Truth be told I normal struggle with birthdays and anybody who has been following this journey since the beginning will know that. I find that birthdays and other big occasions bring a huge mix of emotions ranging from gratitude to have accomplished what we have all the way to fear and sadness wondering about the future. I’ve recently been able to articulate that I suffer from survivors guilt (thank you friend who helped me nail that). That may sound strange considering I’m not the survivor but whenever we reach milestones or big celebrations I always wonder why and how we are here when I know many others who aren’t, who never had the opportunity. Then I feel guilty about it.
I’ve concluded an element of survivors guilt is okay… healthy in fact, because without it I wouldn’t have the other end of the spectrum which is gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness. Every little detail wouldn’t count so much if I wasn’t fully aware of the alternative. Overall it’s positive and just part of me learning how to navigate this journey.
Already this month a lot of that emotional whirlwind has been used up with school. A lot of the chaos I feel around Freddie’s birthday effectively peaked earlier this year I guess. When it did I didn’t really know how to handle school, so I withdrew from social media and made my writing on here private to try and work through why I was feeling the way I was. More importantly, how I moved forward with those emotions. It’s difficult living a life you’ve spent time coming to terms with would never happen. A life you’ve grieved. That doesn’t make me ungrateful and certainly doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate where we are but it’s complicated. I think it will always be complicated. It’s okay for me to admit that and I also know that no two people would like deal with it in the same way (which is also okay, there is no right or wrong).
Anyway, I digress, back to Freddie’s Birthday.
After being poorly for the last week Freddie was feeling a bit better yesterday so we decided today should be his first morning of school. I emailed his head to let her know. James and I were a little nervous and part of me wanted him home with me. It’s his birthday, I didn’t want to share him. Then it dawned on me that going to school on your birthday is so normal and haven’t James and I fought for years for some kind of normality in our lives after birthday’s managing seizures or being in hospital. Didn’t we deserve a really boring, normal day. So we went him to school until midday.
Understandably we both felt a little anxious but there was no need. His school had taught his class to sign ‘Happy Birthday’ and they watch The Gruffalo. His teacher had clearly thought of the small details to make sure that he felt safe and comfortable. His 1:1 said he cackled throughout The Gruffalo (I’m sure he did). We then picked him up and he walked almost the entire way home. Once we got home we ate cake and played trains.
What a simple, mundane day yet it was utterly perfect. Seriously. I felt so full of love and my heart was bursting. The fact he had his first morning of school on his birthday made his birthday even more special. Watching him walk home alongside James made me so proud. This is where we are. This is how far we have come. This is what five looks like. This is perfect. Whatever comes next, this moment, today, was just perfect.
