I have sat in this chair and written every New Years Eve since Mito entered our lives uninvited. Each time I have tried to summarise my emotions about the twelve months gone. This time I find myself reflecting on the past decade not really sure what to think/feel or where to start… but social media has got me thinking so I will try my best.
Ten years ago I was carefree and, mainly, drunk. I was in a relationship with James, we lived in Brighton in our own flat. We travelled a lot. That was, essentially theme through all our life events up until I fell pregnant (during which time I wasn’t mostly drunk).
During the past decade I had three (out of my four) laparoscopies’ for endometriosis and quietly struggled with fertility issues and loss. I surrounded myself with people I loved and who made me laugh. I also surrounded myself with some ‘good time’ friends because, well, we all need some of those when we’re young and carefree. We got married and traded our flat in Brighton for a house in the Essex countryside.
Being pregnant with Freddie is, I’m pretty sure, the happiest I have ever been in my life. I felt the most healthy I have ever felt and my optimism and excitement for the future was like nothing else. I wish I had that feeling bottled so I could access it every now and then just to remember what it was like.
However, his decade was definitely the decade of two halves. It’s safe to say that I have felt the most extreme highs and so unbelievably full of love but I have also been to the other extreme of gut wrenching, indescribable pain and helplessness. At times I’ve felt like life has tried to break me, but I haven’t let it. I am certainly stronger and more resilient than I ever dreamt possible.
It’s impossible to go ten years without growing in some respect but I know I really have. As a result I have become the best version of myself. I have a different outlook on life and different priorities. I’ve learnt to put myself first not in a selfish way but having Freddie made me realise that I let people lean on me emotionally a lot. Then, when I needed emotional support, I realised that not everyone in my life could offer that. Therefore I had to become a bit selfish. In short I realised my emotional and mental welfare had to come before other people’s if I was going to work my way through parenthood and the changes a life limiting diagnosis brought. I also became forgetful (or normal according to James) and lived life more spontaneously.
I still have a lot of the people I love in my life, but I also have new people that I love too. Although I hate that Mito entered our lives in 2016 I will always be grateful for the people it lead me to.
As much as I hate Mito I also have to accept that without it I wouldn’t have Freddie and that doesn’t bare thinking about. He wouldn’t be the child he is without his gene mutation. In fact, he would be a completely different child if he could walk, talk and do all the things that neurotypical children could do. It doesn’t mean I don’t catch myself wondering but I also know he wouldn’t be the same. Besides, I wouldn’t change him for the world I just wish I could guarantee he never had to suffer.
Maybe I’m starting to digress. Perhaps that’s why I wasn’t sure about sitting in the seat tonight. I’m feeling more emotional this holiday, and more sensitive about entering another year. There are a lot of people in my heart that will forever stay in 2019. They will never see the new decade and it weighs heavy on my heart.
Although, I’ve never been one for New Year. I could probably count every year I’ve left my house to celebrate it on one hand. Looking back too much doesn’t suit me. Going down the rabbit hole isn’t good. I’d get lost there amongst all the good and the bad. I did used to look forward though, albeit not triggered by New Year just because I was a planner. Not so much anymore. I don’t like looking forward because I don’t know what I’ll see. I don’t plan because I can’t bare the thought of having to cancel. I’m happiest in the here and now and as the clock strikes midnight (if I’m awake) I will be listening to Freddie Cheese’s breathing and feeling grateful for happiness, stability and a fourth birthday.
